The people closest to me keep betraying me. Why do I feel so insignificant, so little, like I mean almost nothing to the people I choose to show my weaknesses?

As a woman in this game, I cannot afford to place myself in these situations.

Wait.

No.

I simply cannot choose to do so. I do not have that luxury.

As a little girl growing up, very little was offered to the girl child. I believe that now I understand why the women I knew grew to be ruthless and distrustful… They could not afford to take anything about themselves lightly.

The pain. It cuts through me like a double edged sword sharpened just moments ago. It pierces my soul like loss, the pain of death. I grieve like I have lost a part of me because that is how important the people I love are to me; like a part of me.

But why mama? What did I do to deserve this?

Do I not love hard enough?

Am I not worth it? Wait, is this all just a game to them? Am I a mere project someone works on, fiddles about with? If not, why am I then never good enough for anybody?

Why do I feel the constant comparison to those who came before me? Why mama? You brought me up as good enough.

Being compared to, discriminated, laughed at, humiliated… This should not be my source of strength. This should not be my defining factor. This should not be why those who choose to remember me, remember me. I also want to be remembered for the laughter I brought upon others, for the good friend I was, the perfect companion, the gentlest soul, the charming personality and the beautiful smile.

Why should a man treat another man with more respect simply because they are men; than treat a woman he has known for decades or even a lifetime with less dignity simply because…because what??! Any reason whatsoever?

Why is a man; why was a man the embodiment of strength and the woman the symbol of raging emotions, weakness or fault? Why is it that a woman has to persevere this situation called marriage simply to ‘keep a man married’?

Wait, that is for another day.

That is the thing about me mama. I am used to listening to people’s problems and not dealing with mine. This perspective of a third persona has always been why I get riled up mama. I get to hear first-hand, get a front row seat to such circumstances yet still be required to keep calm and do my job; always upholding patience as a virtue with both parties. Not that I cannot complete my task, but mama, would a man treat another the same way and not do so for a woman?

You might say that that man is not married to that other man, but mama, at the end of the day, it is not that they are in a relationship that warrants treating each other with dignity; but that as human beings, it is inherent for every human being to uphold the level of respect guaranteed by the most sacred law; the Natural Order.

You see, this is why I must rise above gender mama. What I am proposing is respect for all, not because of gender, but because of inherent human dignity.

Mama as I write to you, I am certain that the society we live in is not ready for that kind of thinking, much less this type of conversation.

I had to grow up faster mama, when all I wanted to do was to go out and play.

As I head these companies presently, I must put on a brave face, persevere because of the example I choose to set for the little ones that will come after me. For them, I will want them to have the luxury to go out and play, to choose to venture into any field of their choice according to the talents bestowed upon them by the gods, to have a say in the life they would want to live, to be able to own and acquire, to be able to feel appreciated, loved and valued.

I have made a conscious decision not to make a man’s bed, not to keep any home because I am married nor even bear any children; not to commit to anything that will cause me to lose the position I put my blood and sweat to.

For this reason, I shall become ‘a man’ and show what a king a woman can be.

The king who was a woman.