Forgive me, it has been long since we had our usual talks. A lot has happened, but this time, I must write to you in bits, in pieces …

Today is the 28th of February 2021. Yes, it’s been over 31 months since you left and around four months since my last update. This one is, however, special because it is time I finally let you rest, for good; because the dead have no use for the living who eventually have to tear themselves away to continue with the business of life.

As usual, I am on my bed, seated, typing away as I collect my thoughts. This is how my letters to you are conceived … in my room, my alone time, no music, no outsiders, no coffee. Just me. This is the last day of the month and you must be curious as to how I choose these dates. I do not, this is as random as it gets. However, a series of events have happened over the past few months leading up to today that I need to tell you about.

In my last letter, I was just about done with my end of semester exams; except that those were not just ordinary exams. They were my last in the school of law, then I defended my research project at the beginning of the year. I did not know what a painful process patience can be and I must say, with a little bit more of practice I can nail this baby. Haha! I have changed too, in fact, I think that if we were to meet today you would be surprised … but that is not why I am writing to you. I did not graduate last year, our class was meant to do so this year, so there’s that. But oh boy will you be surprised … A lot of our childhood friends graduated and I have to mention them … There is B M, he graduated from Strathmore Law School; R M II, again from Strathmore with a first class and his party was a blast (rolling my eyes because you know why, lol) ; P L who graduated last year; G M, a first class from Kenyatta University (I know) and E … yes, Evanso who just graduated this year. I am over the moon and extremely proud of them!

In my last letter, I promised you that I would do better, strive for better and heal, from everything. I discovered that wounds heal but scars, well, scars are scars for life. A painful reminder of the ordeals we go through on a daily basis. I made an unusual friend last year. He brought me a Christmas present, one that still means a lot to me, even after his betrayal. That is the largest wound I have and the hardest to heal. Let us just say, I really did not expect that. I had to let go of another unusual friend because, the parties in a friendship, in my understanding, must fulfill the friendship tri-teria: they must have the same social standing from society’s point of view, they must accord each other the same level of respect and they must be at the same level of affluence, or the lack of it. My discovery of this made me rethink who it is that I called ‘friend’. In light of that, I let go of many; a small price to pay I suppose. Regardless of whatever circumstance I find myself in these days, I promised that I will always consider them as tunnels rather than holes; a tunnel has two ends and there is always light at the end of them.

The light hits my room just right every evening. From the second floor I have a perfect view of it as it disappears behind the trees. I try to see that every day, a reminder, that although the sun always sets, it does so in a beautiful way, we just have to look to see. Tomorrow is not promised but today is a gift, and Oogway of Kung Fu Panda says that that is why it is called present. I wake up every morning and I am grateful for that. No matter how many friends I let go, life restores the balance by gifting me another. I have a very close friend, my best friend over the last year and boy is she as beautiful as she is smart. She is kind and calm yet fierce and feisty and to be honest, she reminds me a lot about you. Her name is S, you would have loved her if you met. I was fortunate enough to meet her, work with her and hopefully, bag that degree with her too. You know that my friends are almost always smarter than I am and I like it so; and while S and I will graduate with Honours, mine is a Second Class of the Upper Division while hers is a First Class. I am over the moon but I cannot help but feel that someone is missing.

Today is the 21st day of May. You know the drill. I am always alone when it comes to these, quiet, no music blasting through my stereo, no living being within close proximity. Just me in my element. I have been writing this letter for months now. I have been patient while at it. I have struggled to keep it, writing to you as the events in my life slowly unfolded. I am at peace now, slowly composing myself, slowly building myself into the woman I want to be. I have not gone to see your little girl since October last year. I made a very conscious decision to watch her grow, but from the sidelines. While everyone heals from your absence, it is only right that they do so without reminders of what would have been had you not left; and I painfully realized that I am part of that past that they are trying to let go. I am her godmother and I will always watch over her.

I hate it when they drag the gate as they open it. Yeah I know, new place. Ow man! You would have loved it! I did graduate like a month ago just like I promised, a win for the both of us. On the 9th of April, I earned the right to be called a lawyer. On the 12th I got a call from a human rights organization I had applied to for internship and I got it! Four days later while working, I turned 23. With all of these happening all at once, and no matter how excited I was, I did not celebrate any of the milestones. I was so happy, yet I felt so empty. I was betrayed, again, by my very closest of friends. When you confide in someone and they use that information against you just to make themselves feel better about themselves during an argument … What do you call that? What name do you give to mean people who make fun of others just because they can? There and then I realized that I have to cut off. I had never experience that level of toxicity; where each achievement seems like a competition and where there is not enough room for two queens to shine. I had to do what I do best, go silent. In the privacy of the moments I had alone, I grieved because I was deeply wounded, I grieved because I knew that I could never forget that and I grieved because I had to let her go. I took to work and kept it low, cut most conversations and tried to let go. Yeah, I should have let her know, but it being a second time, I opted for her not to know. Silence is also speech.

Every day brings with it untapped potential to achieve more than we think. Three weeks later, I moved out of my parents’ home. I just started school again at Kenya School of Law. Yes, I made it to the Advocates Training Program, another small win. I just started my classes and I love eating in bed. Yow, there have been highs and lows to moving out. I hated the cockroaches, they freaked me out. I love the view from my room of the sun as it rises above the neatly-rowed mansionettes across the road. I love how the sunlight hits my room in the morning and the view of the city from the road in the estate. Regardless of wherever I am, I find that my letters to you are always done in the most private of scenes; my room. I love it here, and while it still needs some more work, it is my home. You would have loved it here; lol, I just bought new curtains for the bedroom. While every update to you brings tears to my eyes, this is not the end. Eventually, there will come a time someday when the healing touch of good memories, of love and laughter will return. This is not the end. But I promise I will let you know whether your little girl takes more after you, or her papa. He’s doing a splendid job by the way, I thought you should know.

Love, Hope.


3 a.m. Thoughts


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