Feel what you need to feel then let it go. Do not let it consume you.

dhiman

This is so much easier said than done, don’t you think? No opinion, no thoughts? Hm. Well then, you must be one of the few lucky ones. For me, this journey has been one bumpy ride.

It took me a while to get my mojo back. You see, I am the type that works just fine under pressure. The pressure I speak of, is whether my effort is good enough, whether I’ll beat the deadline, whether I was creative enough, yada yada. I will, however, not function should my mental health be at stake. If the worst comes to worst, my anxiety will have me panic, dissociate, get the job done, then cry and wail after I have submitted whatever is required of me. How did I find out, you ask? The Bar exams. What a bitch! Please excuse my language, it has been a while.

Not that this is my main area of focus on this post. Rather, the mental anguish I faced while sitting my exams. Funny, every time I was asked about the exams right after, I was like, meh! It is what it is, right? Done and dusted, no need to worry over that which cannot be undone. However, I cannot explain the exhaustion that came with the relief of completing the psycho period that was. Now that I think about it, I cried every minute I was alone after the Bar. Man, I was so exhausted, I was completely done for. Heck, I was losing my mind! Right before the exam period, I lost that which was so dear to me, so close to me, it was practically a part of me. I have never experienced so much pain. The pain that comes with loss is unimaginable. It cannot be fathomed. Pain is unique to each and every human being, and no one can comprehend neither its magnitude nor effects on another human being. With that loss, a part of me was ripped out, never to be recovered again.

I did not grieve properly. However, grieving is a process that takes longer than anticipated; one minute you are fine and the next, you are on the floor crying your heart out. The beauty with life is that, it brings to you people, gifts, to help you through such pain and hurt. You might lose them eventually, but they will have served their purpose. My gift did not stay long. Pain is pain, you must live through each and every minute of it. Should you not be patient, you might just lose yourself in the process.

A series of bad luck followed right after I began to heal. For some reason, the universe was not done with me. The timing though, I never quite understood why. Those that I held dear fell ill and with no reasonable explanation. My grieving process was cut short and I had to care for those with breath in them, for …

… the dead have no use for the living who eventually have to tear themselves away to continue with the business of life.

margaret a. ogola

Pain, pain, pain. To care for others while you yourself are hurting, is the most difficult of tasks. None of them saw me cry, none knew the pain I carried with me while being constantly worried about whether or not I will be grieving another loss of life. However, as surely as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, the heavens blessed us with good health, and I could tear myself away from my loved ones and focus on preparing for my exams. My gift surely came along to aid me shoulder some of this burden, but my gift did not stay long. In one way or another, I lost, again. In the middle of the papers, I would occasionally break down after I got home, I barely ate and had very few hours of sleep, and all for what?

Ever since I was little, my mama told me that heavenly grace is one of, if not, the best gifts from above any human being could ever receive. So in the middle of my pain, in the middle of the biggest storm in my young life, in the middle of hell on earth; I would pause and ask nothing else, other than the grace of God. Sure, I asked for favour, but I craved nothing more than the grace that brings with it strength and courage to conquer the world. Honestly speaking, I began to understand why Samson prayed that he dies among the Philistines, problems no dey finish, every day a different wahala. One time as I was on the internet and saw this meme where you piss off your girl and she immediately finds a meme depicting her exact mood. Long story short, the memes and quotes that flooded my Status must have been quite disturbing. Nonetheless, I asked for fire to set everything ablaze, me included, and you know what? God was gracious enough to grant me wings to fly above it all. Nonsense. What kind of prayer is that? If I was not so understanding, I would have slapped the shit out of myself already.

Regardless of the pain, loss and suffering, I did finish the papers without losing my sanity. The weekend that followed, I turned 24 and with that, so did the wahalas in my life. Suddenly, with the pressure and the storm gone, everything else fell into place. After so much pain, I thought I could take on anything that life had in store for me. No, I could not. After all, I am an empath and the burden that comes with it, is the ability to care deeply, love deeply and feel the pain of another surely as if it was ours to bear; is almost always heavy to carry. However, I am learning to feel and let it go, lest it consumes me. I have come too far and worked too hard for anything and anyone to mess it up.

Now, I would like to think that I am in a better state of mind. However, I did learn that I have only three friends, and trust me, you do not make that list. I was surely losing it, and the funny thing about going crazy is, no body seems to notice what makes you lose your mind. They only care about what you do once you have lost your mind. It is rather unfortunate because the world we live in is crazy and chaotic. The most gentle and most genuine souls retreat, yet we are in need of their grace to learn how to heal and let go. This is peace in itself, yet when I look around, all I see is the desire to be seen and heard and have control of what majority deem relevant. Hm. Have at it, but as soon as I sense that in you, be sure that you will not be seeing me around you. I crave genuine, I crave good, I crave peace. Anything that does not come in that package, please return to sender.

I am proud of how far I have come. Heck, I moved counties just so that I could have peace. There is no price on my mental health. My ability to think, solve problems and create new and relatable pieces is dependent on my ability to remain level-headed. I will guard my space with everything I have, and if that means losing you, then so be it.

Lawyers don’t build anything. The entire job is a mental exercise, which involves solving problems, translating ideas on paper and communicating those ideas clearly. This is why protecting mental health is important: your ability to think and solve problems are your livelihood.

conrad flaczyk

Like I said, I have three friends. Growing up, I survived with one best friend, so whether people are there or not, is not something that concerns me a great deal. I will get concerned should I have a wedding and three bridesmaids. Wait, we can hire, right? Until then, I am perfectly safe as I watch the sun set every evening over this large body of water, sipping the GoFruit Mojito Lulu introduced me to. So far, Lulu, I am hooked. Thank you.