It all started when I got notifications after notifications of Biko’s blogs via mail that I knew I had really let myself down. Biko is amazing and his writing is just mind-blowing. I am such a fan, but not more than my classmate, former classmate and really good friend, Victoria. I mean I am sure she could have a write-up of all of Biko’s work. Anyway, how amazing his site and Facebook page is, is what prompted me to step up my game. I thought I should transition to this professional and well done site that you just wanna spend most of your spare time on. 

There and then, I looked up different sites and who managed them, had a feel of what I really wanted: simple and well done, definitely with a white background. Just simple. Did I mention orderly, well- organized perhaps? Forgive me, I am not a techie. Point is, I had a rough idea of what I wanted. The problem was, how to get it done.

As the majority of those who have interacted with me have probably noticed, I have a very hard time expressing what I envision. No, not in writing, in words. For an upcoming advocate I am particularly shy and terrible at expression. I just marvel at good orators, like how do you find the exact words to use to describe what is going on in your head. If you asked me what I was thinking about something, you would probably see the process of thought right on my face; you would see my disapproval, my uncertainty, my ‘what the fuck dude’ and my dissatisfaction. To get someone who really gets me is a challenge only my sister has been able to figure out. This is probably because we have shared most of our lives together, and she almost always knows what I would say in particular situations.

I needed my blog re-done. Finding the money for that was not nearly as difficult as my awkwardness to reach out, or express what I actually wanted. I did find this one techie whose idea of how to, for lack of a better word at the moment, co-ordinate your site to reflect simplicity and orderliness. Suffice to say, I think I got my guy! After days of contemplating whether or not I should initiate communication, I decided to proceed. What blows my mind is that I did not have to explain much, he had a pretty good idea of what I wanted after a few emails. I was satisfied. 

My blog did keep me up at night, but it was not the only thing that did. As I began typing away, I was silently crying because, as much as I wanted to mourn, I had no energy for it. At this point I am used to tears running down my face at the slightest bump on the road. When the tears come I just let them flow. I shut down and give myself those few minutes. Believe it or not, talking it out is an option I have, but choose not to take. My friend insulted me by making fun of my father and what he does for a living. This was one particular mistake I never could manage to forgive her for. I am exhausted from work and school, majorly because we have to cover everything from undergrad in one year, but not just in theory, in practice too. 

That’s not the hardest part. The hardest part would be how much I have had to lose just to have work and school at the same time. I practically lost all my friends in one way or another. They say human beings are social beings. The current Covid-19 worldwide pandemic has forced the majority of populations around the world to cut down physical meetings and gatherings. Safety first, right?

These issues seem very little in significance compared to others, such as loss of jobs and incomes, lowering of standards of living and the ever increasing number of deaths the world over. Just recently a nice family moved in next door and the head of the household and I had never met (I am almost always indoors). As I unhung my clothes from the kambas outside my tiny house, he walked in through the house gate (I live inside an estate in Nairobi that has houses with their own gates. Almost all structures house four units but share a two- car parking space and a private gate. There is a common estate pathway/ driveway that has its own estate gateway.). As always, I had my headset on and did not hear him come in, so when I turned around I saw him for the first time. After exchanging pleasantries, Baba M blessed me (psyched me up by the way) and headed to his home. Later on we were able to meet occasionally and share more about our lives. Given that I have my meetings and classes from home, it is not that difficult to overhear some of the legalese used and figure out that my work is law related. Now I am not sure if majority of lawyers/advocates get this, but I do, quite a lot actually. People just … open up about their private lives and inquire as to whether I can (in my capacity as a lawyer) help out in any way, including my opinions on the matter. Long story short, what I have heard from being pulled aside by another human being has broken my heart over and over and quite frankly, sometimes I cannot help but obsess about how I can be of assistance. 

I am acknowledging that this might not be very healthy, but in the few minutes I spare on a day to day, I cry a lot. There is not much I can do for most people. Having a lot I want to do and very little power to implement them really tires me out. I think I have permanent eye bags now, lol.

However, I have learnt to appreciate how fickle life can be. I have the luxury to cry when I get exhausted, or miss a point in class, or fail to log into a meeting on time. Most people don’t and I am not sure how people cope. I can only hope that they do. I can only wish them well. Oh, and if I do take up Baba M’s case, that would be my first pro bono civil case! I mean, I’ll probably still cry when I can’t figure out why the case is not going as I planned, but I’ll be okay. At the end of the day, service to humanity is service to God. 

PS. I order in and cry as I eat, then after a few bites I’m like, this is truly finger licking good, huh? And press play on Fugget About It!