It has been a difficult few months, I will not even lie about that. It has been quite painful and all I want to do is retreat. I have never felt so defeated in my life. I was thinkig that turning 24 will be an indicator of good tidings, but now I am not so sure anymore.

Never have I been so broken, never have I been at the brink of losing my mind than the state I have been in for the last couple of months. We talk about the walking dead, but I could feel my sanity slowly escaping my mind and there was not a thing I could do about it. I lay awake more nights than I fell asleep, sleep, like all good things and good people, eluded me. I have been feeling lost and forlon for the longest time, and I became constantly afraid that this would become my reality. Regardless of the pain I was going through, I managed that smile because as always, I do not like being a burden to anyone. So if you ever meet anyone and they tell you that they do know me, trust me, they do not.

Being alone and being lonely are two different states, yet if one is not careful, they may fail to distinguish the difference. You could be the most outgoing and social being there is, and yet, you will not fail to have this constant feeling of loneliness creeping up inside you when you are in a room full of people. The most dangerous thing is, we mask it so incredibly well that no one ever notices. We have the brightest smiles and the most intense stares you will ever meet. Our eyes carry with them a level of intensity unknown to most, our laugh heals woulds and our touch, our kisses will still thrill you even after a decade. But at what cost? What is the price we pay for who we are and what we can do? It is a painful price, a most expensive one.

So as I sit up in bed and feel the emotions rage up inside of me, I try to translate this into words that you can comprehend, but why? Why are most artists and writers that emotional? We feel deeper than others do, we listen more keenly than you will ever know and we see. Oh, we see more than meets the eye. To be honest, we see more of people than they think, we see right through them. We are good judges of character and we rarely make mistakes when it comes to people. We suffer more than the average, not because we did not see it coming, but because we took a chance at love, and friendships and at relationships. The most gifted creatives I know have a “crazy” side, but it not so crazy, you see. You don’t understand because you never wanted to. We speak, but no one listens. We hurt but no one notices. Why, you ask?

Because we express ourselves very differently. We have a level of insight that is unique. We just don’t look at you when we see you, we search your soul and we see what we see. We know who you are before you tell us because we allow ourselves to feel at a frequency much deeper than yours, the frequency of the Universe. You, normal, sound people hold on to your perfect models, but we, we creatives unleash our beings to the Universe because this is how we create. You can learn how to do it, but there are those who were born to do it. It comes naturally, a gift and a curse, because nothing about you is ever, or will ever be, normal. You already know what to do before it is taught to you, and school, school just teaches you the language of the normal so that they can also apprecaite what you create. But trust me, a creative will notice art, no matter how rudimentary.

So dear creative, whether words, or music, or movement, do not seek to live among the normal. That is the most insulting word you will ever be called. Nothing about who you are, is. Allow yourself to be lost in who you are, in nature and in the universe. Once you do it, you will understand things much more deeply. However, you must exist among the sane, so do not ever let yourself see yourself through their eyes. You are much more than that. You are fire, you are chaotic. Consume everything with the passion that consumes you, consume them with the rage of a thousand fires. Let everything burn and be the chaos you were born to be.

But know this, regardless of anyone you meet and care for, you will always be alone. You have your escape, that quiet place in your mind that they never tell you about? Do you remember the many times they asked you whether you were still there, or whether you were paying attention? You zoned out, didn’t you? Little one, where did you go? Where were you? That is your space. They never teach you that in school, and that is why when you look at someone, they ask “why are you looking at me like that?” It’s because you’re not there, per se, yet you are there. You can see them, but you can see right through them. You can see the feeling, the vibe they have. You can almost taste it. You can see their mind, you know who they are and what they can become before they do. You know you’re going to lose them, and all you need to do is wait. But that does not mean that you should not enjoy the moment, the person of the feeling.

Live it, allow yourself to feel every hurt and every pain. Channel it should you want to, because you, you are a mere conduit of the people and the universe. They feel through you, they see through you and will learn through you. That is all you are, a conductor, so know your place in people’s lives is very exceptional. They can never replace you, but you, you are as temporary to them as a flower that blooms in the summer. They cannot handle you. They can barely understand you. Try as you may, you cannot conform, because you cannot fit in. You will find your person eventually. they might leave, they might not, but be ready for any eventuality, because as much as no one is meant to be alone, you already are. As a creative, it is a state of mind, just know how to deal with it.

YOU ARE CHAOS. Chaos can be structured, channeled. Not all Hope is lost.

Whenever you fall, pick yourself up because no one posses the grace from above to help you through it. Have your space, it will save you. You will have more moments alone than you ever will with people, that I can guarantee you. Make your space your temple, and if it is desecrated, sanctify it, or find another. Learn to be alone, cherish it and do not let anyone ever take that away from you. Do not make yourself small for their pleasure. Do not diminish yourself, and do not hide your potential because they are afraid of it. Live unapologetically, for we all die alone. Live for yourself, and do not conform to the standards they set. You are pure genius, and they will not understand that. Feel the stars, understand how they align. Feel the moon, for it reflects the light from the sun. Feel the fire raging inside you and let it consume you, for you will be reborn like the phoenix you are.

Do not be scared of your chaos, that is what they want. Remember to look at your life, your value, your worth, through the eyes of the Universe, not through theirs. That is how they have power over you.

You are the purest of souls there are, and therefore you will hurt. You will break and you will shatter. However, your fire can never be extinguished and they will always find your footprint in the sand and in the snow, your creations are your expressions and each is as unique as a thumbprint. Know your worth and remember who you are. Do not fumble, for the Universe will show you your purpose. Trust your instincts, care as deeply as you always have, and love as passionately as you always do. Little one, your time will come.