I am always looking back. I think that I always reflect every time I experience something, whether good or bad. It feels like looking through a rearview mirror as I forge my way ahead. Whether it sounds like I am reflecting or not, it is very hard for me not to link up experiences and feelings to situations I find myself in. It is like a mind castle, an overworking device or constant need to associate one thing with another. As a result, I am never one to completely finish one task then take on another; hence, I am always working on something, thinking about something or not entirely focused. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get things done, but that doesn’t mean I am always done.

I remember when I hit block, not just a writer’s block, but a mental one as well. Whether or not I chose to admit it, it was caused by losing a friend. Yeah yeah, I know, I’m always losing friends. Zip it. This one was different. I never really had mentors before because I never really thought that was thing. I mean, the young version of me was basically creeped out by a lot of things, this included. Did I want to have so and so’s accomplishments? Did I want to achieve the same or more as some of the people who went before me? Sure, that’s a fact. But in my little head I thought that wanting that so badly made people change or adopt a lifestyle that did not specifically meet their needs. I did not believe in changing who I was and what I liked doing. So did I have an example I chose to follow? Absolutely. I had my parents; my father who was almost always never home because he had major bills to pay, and my mother who was almost always present but always working to ensure our family was as stable as it needed to be. That was my idea of mentorship back then. At 11, that was all I needed to know for me to not only survive, but also thrive. What I saw from my parents was pure love and discipline to always be at it.

Of course, some things changed as I approached fourth year at law school. The realization that I am about to be spat out into the real world and use the skills acquired my entire life dawned on me. It is at this juncture that I ended up adopting other concepts of mentorship. This is also when I realized that being mentored by a person in your profession is very important. Slowly and without even knowing it, I found myself with someone to look up to, someone who I wanted to be like. I didn’t know this then, but I admired how they would carry themselves, how they conducted business and how they said so much by saying so little! My mind was blown away and as I began adopting some ideologies they used, I began to feel more confident, more focused and at my optimal self. All I needed to do was just observe. I did not know that a lot of what they did rubbed off on me. I was on a high!

Everything came crashing down after a sexual harassment incident, I lost a mentor and a friend. I grieved for months on end, I mourned because I lost someone and something I could never get back. I no longer saw the world the way I did. I had to shower and scrub my skin until some redness appeared and I wouldn’t stop until I ‘felt’ clean enough that day. Thing is, I never fully understood why people fight for their rights as aggressively as they do. It is, maybe, until you experience something that you fully comprehend, not just understand. The beauty about all this is that, even though I was traumatized for months on end, there is always some positive that comes out of every situation; at least that’s how I chose to see things. I mean, doesn’t the existence of bad justify the good? Doesn’t darkness need light to illustrate darkness? Good and bad is a duality that perplexes me, but this is reality and this is how things are. That does not mean that we cannot work towards making the world a better place.

Wait, what was the point of this? Oh, believe it or not, I started writing this piece because my butt hurt from all the sitting down. With the pandemic a reality for us now, we have been advised to stay indoors whenever one can to minimise the spread of Covid-19. Naturally, human beings as an animals are social creatures and have this itching desire to meet over coffee and catch up. We must love technology though. I mean, it was just a few years ago in my Primary school English class that Mrs. Kyalo marvelled at the existence of vehicles. I mean, the way she put it was simply hilarious. She could not quite understand how we are able to move from one location to another by just sitting down! I mean there’s the whole process of being patient-while-you’re-transported-there-that she chose to ignore that-I-find-quite-hard-to-pull-off, but okay. We’re now having tele-conferencing, board meetings, discussions, court proceedings and telemedicine from the comfort of our homes! This reminds me, I didn’t even want a computer back when I was getting into campus but leave it to my dad to promote local entrepreneurs… He brought home a Taifa! I am so serious about this by the way. Oh, and if you’re laughing at me, it survived four and a half years of complete torture. I am a bit clumsy and occasionally messy, so yes, my baby did suffer. However, even with a split screen she functions just fine. Of course this is now a family heirloom, lol.

With Covid-19 and spending more time at home as part of our day-to-day, some of us have lost it. Speaking for myself, my butt hurts from all the sitting. Yes! Finally, why I actually wrote this piece. We work from home, have classes from home, exercise indoors and watch movies at home. Borrowing from the American adult animated science fiction Rick and Morty’s script (Get in the car sweetie, everything is on a cob! The whole planet is on a cob!); everything is now on the web.

This has its own consequences too. While I might be rambling about how much my butt hurts, I am so grateful for everything I have. A lot of people lost something, others everything, because of the pandemic. This is not breaking any client confidentiality, but everywhere I have interned at since 2020 has left me a little broken. A lot of the clients I spoke with lost a lot, from livelihoods to their basic dignity. I have been advised repeatedly that when dealing with human beings, try and leave your ‘persona’ behind. Get yourself as professional as you can. But, this is never truly achievable because there is always that part of you that keeps thinking about the case. I more often than not end up thinking about the persons, the victims. Some you can help, some you cannot. At the end of the day, I end up saying a little prayer, hoping that, as I have done what I could, someone else can pick up from where I left off. There is always that ripple effect, and one action, however small you perceive it to be, can change a life.

I have wanted to finish a contemporary piece since last month but I have not had the chance to. I have been everywhere, which is odd because I never leave the house. I love being busy, I love juggling work, personal projects and school and I love how much pressure it can have. I mean, does it lead to a bit of memory loss, fatigue and /or exhaustion, mild headaches and the like? Of course. I don’t know, but I am sure I am not the only one that feels and likes the adrenaline caused by having so much to do and not knowing exactly where to start! In addition to this, I have an ‘almost zero’ contact policy due to the pandemic. I mean, it is because of the pandemic that we are in this situation. Do I almost always want to hang out, or have friends over, or have sleepovers? Of course, this is a reward to moving out, is it not? However, since I choose safety over what might not be a priority meeting, I ought to have stuffed bunnies on my sofa (I should get a sofa) as attendees to the insane number of meetings I have been having alone while self-isolating. In fact, I should have a whiteboard and record the insane number of ideas that I get on a daily. Who to share them with is what I will be figuring out in a bit. But hey, all’s well that ends well?


3 a.m. Thoughts


4 Responses

Leave a Reply

Latest Comments

  1. Haha! It could, as well, have been written by him, so many people had the same thoughts, and I am…

  2. Thank you! I am kinda sad that we were unable to keep writing for such a long time. However, we…

May 2024