I have a lot to tell you and instead of my usual writing to you, I choose to record the details in my diary. It has been a year and it feels like a lifetime. I have dearly missed you and boy do I have lots to say…

I have just finished my end of semester exams and the one thing I am so excited over is the fact that I do not have to study simply because I have an exam. Sleep, lots of sleep, lots of novel-reading and lots of nature walks. Oh yeah, right, there’s a global pandemic caused by a novel virus called the Corona Virus. As a result, we all have to socially distance yet continue working and attending classes. Bummer, but we will cope. Yes, my point exactly, no parties or sleepovers for this girl over here. Boy do I wish you were around.

I am elated over the fact that I might graduate this year, and it’s about time. However, it will be a bitter sweet moment, I expected you to be there, just as I was expecting to be at yours. Life took such a dramatic turn that I am still reeling from the events. Your absence still causes so much pain every day. I do not confide in anyone like I used to, and to be honest with you, I do not think I ever will. I still feel robbed of you, yet I feel that I had a stake in those events. I am trying to learn from everything that happened, trying to show more of me at the same time protect myself from getting hurt. I am trying to love more, to be there for my friends more and to be more supportive to them.

I have seen your little girl. She stopped biting, or so she let me believe. Haha! She has her mother’s eyes. It is so cruel that I got to spend over a decade with you, get to know you as a person, while she spent so little. She will always be well taken care of. She’s gorgeous and such a bundle of joy. She’s growing up so fast I can barely keep up. My goodness, we have such a mini you; she is so like you it is hard not to want to study her, watch her every minute, wonder what is going on in that tiny little head of hers. She stirs up such curiosity in me.

However, I must say that it has not been easy. How did you do it and make it appear so effortless? You taught me so much and it is such a disappointment that it dawns on me when you’re not here. I try to make you proud of me with the little accomplishments I achieve. I remember when my friends would open a bottle of alcohol and pour a little on the ground and say, “to our ancestors”. With every small win I get, I pour a little wine in a glass and toast, to that, and to you. Call it a little tradition if you may.

Wanting to conquer the world has always been inside me, those things that make you up, you know, dreams and ambitions. I have had such a rough time, especially this year…

The pandemic caused the governments of the world to close up majority of the sectors and certain particular geographical areas and Kenya was not an exception. Many opted to quarantine at home. Mine was a rather unexpected scenario. I went back home for the weekend in mid-March. I hoped to take a little break from school and work, it was a crazy time for me. Work provided that relief for me, I had issues I chose not to address. You know me, I have always been like that. School has always been crazy and given that January-April was to be my last semester, things were crazier. Why taking up a job and an internship during my last semester in law school seemed very attractive to me at the time still baffles me. Anyway, whatever opportunity I got, I took. More work at the time resulted to less time to think about whatever issues that had caused instability to my emotional state. I mean, that was much better alternative that wallowing about pain. Numb it, right?

So imagine what happens when everything halts for just a moment. My tiny world was constantly spinning and every moment I spent awake I had allocated a task to. This had been my life for quite some time now and it was what I became used to. The laws of physics are clear as day, an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Stopping that object abruptly has its consequences.

The impact when my world came to a stop was devastating. Everything my life revolved around; school, my job and the internship seemingly stopped during that weekend for a period of close to five months. I was now forced to deal with the issues I had and the process was one of the most painful experiences I had ever dealt with. The one thing I had, was time. I was forced to confront the monsters had buried deep within for over a decade, haha, I didn’t remember them being so freakishly ugly! The worst thing about everything, was that I had lost my friends too. I had no one I could confide in and I was reeling from the pain of losing you. As always, I had to handle it, alone. That was the only way I knew how to.

I cannot begin to imagine what you went through when you thought you didn’t have your friends as well. It must have hurt much much worse because I was around; we all were. The realization of everything that had been going on during that period haunts me to date. I do not think I will be able to get over it, but the healing process has allowed me to begin forgiving myself a bit every day.

I strive to live every day, you know, a laugh here and there, bit of disappointment and, well, lots of love to give. I have always been one to write letters, that you know. They help me reflect, help me reason clearly and help with the pain. I miss the never ending laughter and annoyance you brought, the love, the music, the smiles, the screams, squeals, the food, the tears and the good times. I lost a lot of our childhood friends, we drifted apart and it has been such a struggle without them and you. What went so wrong and why can’t I figure things out? I feel like I am doing everything wrong again, I don’t have a perspective or a specific direction I am moving towards. I seem like I have things figured out but I don’t. You would anchor me, yell at me and encourage me. You were my safe haven.

Healing is such a bitch and I am not even sure I have begun. I am hell bent on fixing myself but the relapses keep dragging me back. It has become a ‘one step forward, two steps backward’ scenario. However, the most important thing is putting one foot in front of the other, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I will figure it all out, but not in one day. I will learn to be okay with that. One thing I am sure of, is that when I am done, you will be proud of the person I will become.